


The Magic Penis Saga

by NellieOleson



Series: Magic Penis [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NellieOleson/pseuds/NellieOleson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was written in several installments based on an awesome magic penis icon. This is the entire thing. For now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Magic Penis Saga

  
  
The SGC was quiet, almost peaceful. It wasn't like that often, but when it was, Daniel found it to be a stimulating environment for mental problem-solving. He was currently pacing the halls while trying to trying to figure out the meaning of some new symbols they'd stumbled across in an Ancient outpost.  
  
"Daniel," someone whispered. Loudly.  
  
He stopped and looked around. "Hello?"  
  
"Over here." Jack's head was sticking out of the men's room door. He looked just a bit panicked. "In the bathroom."  
  
Daniel looked around again, hoping to see someone he could call on for backup. Jack was odd, there was no denying that, but he'd never tried to lure Daniel into the bathroom before. Whatever was going on, it probably wasn't good.  
  
Jack ducked inside as soon as he saw that Daniel was headed his way. Later, Daniel would realize he should have used that opportunity to run away. He pushed the door open and found Jack standing in front of the mirror with his pants around his ankles. And pie. There were three pies mingling with the row of porcelain sinks.  
  
"Huh," was all Daniel could think to say.  
  
"Daniel," Jack said. "You have to see this."  
  
Jack sounded amazed and worried and then he was pulling down his underwear.  
  
"Whoa," Daniel covered his eyes. "What the hell is going on, Jack?"  
  
"Just look, Daniel. It's glowing."  
  
Well. How could he not look? He lowered his hand and Jack was unnecessarily gesturing toward his penis. It was indeed glowing. Brightly. "That's-," Daniel paused. "What's up with the pies?"  
  
"Really, Daniel? My penis is glowing like a Christmas decoration and you want to know about the damn pies?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Jack. Please, tell me about your penis."  
  
"Funny, Daniel." Jack pulled up his underwear and Daniel was glad. "I was in here, you know, peeing and thinking about pie. Then it just started to glow and the pies appeared." Jack looked at the pies longingly. "It was like magic."  
  
"Really?" This had to be a joke. He'd probably smeared some fireflies on it or something. "I have work to do, Jack."  
  
"I'm not kidding, Daniel. I need help."  
  
"Right. I'll be in my lab." Daniel turned toward the door. "Working hard on a solution to your magical, glowing penis."  
  
He hadn't completed a step when Sam appeared in flash of blue light. She looked at Jack, whose underwear didn't do such a great job of hiding the glow of his penis, and Daniel was pretty sure he'd never seen such confusion on her face.  
  
She recovered quickly. Daniel was impressed. "One of you better have a good explanation for this," she said.  
  
"Talk to Jack," Daniel said. And then he did run away because this was definitely a Kodak moment and he'd left his camera in his lab.  
  
  
*******  
  
  
"So the pies just appeared?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And then-" Carter chewed on the inside of her cheek and tried not to stare at his crotch. "Then it started to glow."  
  
Jack tried to remember exactly what had happened. He would have noticed a bright yellow penis pretty quickly so it must not have been glowing the whole time. But then he started thinking about how he hungry he was, and how nice it would be to have some pie--some apple pie, or maybe banana cream. That's when it started to tingle and light up. He might have peed on the wall a little but Carter didn't need to know that. When he turned around, the pies were just there. "No, he said. "I think the glowing was first, then the pies."  
  
"But you were thinking about pie?"  
  
"Yes, Carter. I thought about pie, my penis lit up and then there were pies." Jack wasn't sure how all these questions were going to help. And he was starting to get a little uncomfortable about the fact that Daniel's escape had left him standing in the men's room with Carter. It was only a matter of time before someone walked in. "Can we take this someplace else?" The tingling started before Carter could answer. "Shit," was the last thing Jack managed to say before they both vanished.  
  
  
*********  
  
  
Daniel sat in his lab staring at a well-worn notebook. He'd meant to just grab his camera but he'd had something of a breakthrough after leaving Jack in the bathroom. Jack _and Sam_. He completely forgot about her. She wasn't going to be happy about this. He ran back to the bathroom. Leaving Jack alone with Sam and a magic penis was probably not the best idea he'd ever had.  
  
"Jack." He started talking as soon as he opened the door. "I think I know what's going on with your penis." He was too late. The bathroom was empty. Only, no, it wasn't empty. Siler stepped out of a stall a moment later looking at Daniel like Daniel had just shouted about Jack's penis.  
  
Great. He was never going to live this down.  
  
  
*******  
  
"Where are we?" Carter asked as soon as the light faded.  
  
Jack looked around although he didn't really need to. He recognized the smell of the place. "My cabin," he said. This was much better. Better and private. He could think here. And as he thought, some pieces of the magic penis puzzle started to click into place. "Do you remember that planet where Daniel found that thing with the writing?"  
  
"The Ancient outpost?"  
  
"Yeah." Jack nodded. "And do you remember how there was a bunch of stuff that Daniel said I shouldn't touch because I have the Ancient gene?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, I might have  touched something." He had been feeling a little...odd, since they'd returned from that planet.  
  
"We have to get back to the SGC," said Carter. Then she got all excited and started talking about some really technical sounding stuff and Jack's mind began to wander. Sometimes he wondered if she just made things up to confuse him. He was just about to make imaginary Carter give him the wormhole in an apple lecture again when real Carter interrupted.  
  
"Bring my clothes back."  
  
"What?" Jack looked at Carter. She was mostly naked and she didn't seem particularly happy about it. _Crap._ At least he'd left her underwear. "I didn't do that on purpose," he said.  
  
"Fix it." It was amazing how well Carter could speak through her teeth.  
  
Jack tried to think about Carter wearing more clothes but nothing happened. "I'm trying." He squinted so Carter would see how hard he was trying. "It's like it knows I don't mean it."  
  
"So now your glowing penis is sentient?"  
  
"You know what?" He said. "Why don't you just go in the bedroom and grab something of mine?" She turned to go and then looked back at Jack to point her in the right direction. "Second door on the right," he told her.  
  
He watched her walk away because, really, she was mostly naked and he couldn't stop himself. It was a bad idea.  
  
Carter's underwear vanished just before she opened the bedroom door.  
  
  
  
*******  
  
  
  
Had he not had years of experience with beaming technology, Daniel might have fallen out of his chair when Jack and Sam appeared in the middle of his lab. He took a good look at Sam. "Why are you wearing Jack's clothes?"  
  
"Be glad I'm wearing anything," she said, giving Jack the slightest bit of a glare. Jack looked at anything that wasn't Sam.  
  
"Okay." Daniel cleared his throat and picked up the notebook he'd been scribbling in. Maybe he didn't really want to know about that anyway. "Good news, Jack. I think I can fix you but I need to know exactly what's been going on. There are several similar conditions mentioned in these writings and I need be sure about which one you have." Daniel paused to look at Sam again. "I really don't want to make things worse."  
  
"I'm not sure what you're getting at, Daniel." Jack looked down. "Magical. Glowing. Penis."  
  
"I know it seems unlikely, but that's not specific enough." Daniel looked at his notes again. He'd done the translation several times. Jack would just have to trust him. "Has anything else happened? Anything strange or new?"  
  
Jack thought for a minute and then glanced sideways at Sam. "Carter?"  
  
Sam looked like she was trying really hard not to laugh. "Sir?"  
  
"Could you... go somewhere else for a minute."  
  
"I suppose I could." Now Daniel thought she looked like she might be getting a little revenge for whatever had happened to her clothes. He'd ask her about it later. After Jack's penis was back to normal. "But Daniel might need my help. Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"  
  
"Yes, Carter. I'm sure."  
  
"Well, I guess I could go put on some different clothes." She turned and headed for the door, giving Daniel a quick smile as she passed. "Let me know when it's safe to come back," she told him.  
  
Jack waited until Sam had been gone for a full minute before turning to Daniel. "When we first got back, before it started with the glowing and the magic, it would just tingle sometimes." Jack shuffled his foot around and picked up a pen. "And the first time it did that, I was in the shower and the tingling sort of felt good."  
  
He gave Daniel a pointed look. Jack wasn't the first man to masturbate in the shower and Daniel didn't need to hear the details. He just wanted Jack to get to the point. "And?"  
  
"And it was sparkly."  
  
"Your penis was sparkly?" Daniel took his pen back from Jack. "I thought you said this was before the glowing."  
  
"I wasn't talking about my penis."  
  
Well, what else was there? Oh. That. "Oh." Daniel looked for any reference to sparkly sperm. "Wait. You had sparkly sperm and you didn't think to mention that to anyone?" And by anyone, he meant the medical staff. "Never mind." Daniel found the passage he was looking for. "There's only one reference to sparkly sperm, only the Ancients don't actually use the word sparkly. They do have a word that's very similar and-"  
  
"Focus, Daniel."  
  
Nobody ever cared about the details where all the interesting stuff lived. Sometimes Daniel missed academia. "I'm pretty sure we can un-magic your penis, Jack."  
  
********  
  
"Damn." Daniel clicked his mouse button a few times and pushed his chair back from the desk.  
  
"What?" They were scheduled to return to the magic-penis planet in the morning and Jack didn't want to hear anything that was going to change that. Daniel had managed to pull a reason to return out of his ass, and, so far, no one else knew about his situation. Except Carter. And Siler was surely suspicious.  
  
And fuck. The entire mountain probably knew by now.  
  
"The internet broke," said Daniel.  
  
"And?" Jack was pretty sure even Google didn't have the answer to his penis problems. Daniel had seemed pretty confident about being able to fix things earlier. "What are you looking for anyway? Don't you have books?"  
  
"Yes, Jack. I have books." Daniel rubbed his knees, surfing the internet was hard on the joints. "I just want to cross-reference some things. I'd hate to make things worse for you."  
  
Well. When he put it like that... Jack didn't want anything bad to happen to his penis either. "Hold on," said Jack. "I think I can fix it." He pointed his groin toward Daniel's computer just in case aim was important. "Try it now."  
  
"Did you just use your penis to fix the internet?"  
  
Jack just shrugged. No sense having a magic penis if you weren't going to use it.  
  
  
*********  
  
  
"Delayed?" Jack tried to keep the panic out of his voice. This just wouldn't do. They needed to get back to that damn planet. This magic penis had to go. Not that it wasn't handy, but the temptation to use his powers for things that would get him in more trouble than he could handle was just too great.  
  
The biggest temptation for magic penis abuse was sitting directly across from him at the briefing table. Jack looked at her sideways and kept a tight leash on his thoughts. Carter looked nervous and not at all curious about why their mission had been put on hold. It was very suspicious. Like maybe the delayed mission was all her fault. Jack stared at her until she started doodling in her notebook. He looked over at Daniel, but Daniel was no help. Daniel just shrugged.  
  
Hammond waited for Jack's attention to return before continuing. "Major Carter had some urgent technical problems to take care of," he said. Hammond was obviously just repeating whatever line of crap Carter had sold him. He had no idea why they were delaying the mission either. Jack might have called him on it if he weren't so damn likeable.  
  
"I knew it." Jack waved an accusing finger at Carter.  
  
Carter kept doodling.  
  
Hammond talked about some more things that Jack deemed unimportant, an upcoming survey mission, some new rules about handling alien plant life. Even Hammond seemed bored with the material. Jack kept his mouth shut until they were finished and waited until they were in the elevator to find out Carter's real reason for having the mission delayed. "Out with it," he demanded as soon as the doors slid shut.  
  
"It's all Daniel's fault, really," she said. They both stopped to look at Daniel.  
  
"What?" said Daniel. "I had nothing to do with this." Daniel held up his backpack. "See? I'm all ready to go and get your penis back to normal."  
  
Jack turned back to Carter.  
  
"He told me about how you fixed his internet connection with your--" She stopped. Unwilling to speak out loud about his magic penis.  
  
"My penis?"  
  
"Yes, sir. Your penis." Carter was not amused. "Anyway, I figured that if it worked on Daniel's computer, it might work on other electronic equipment."  
  
So that was it. Carter had her own evil plans for how his penis should be used. "I see," said Jack. "You want to take me to your lab so you can use my penis?" Carter just sighed, still not amused. "I've dreamed of this moment for years."  
  
The fun was short lived. Carter took her work seriously and she had Jack waving his penis at every thing she'd been unable to bring back to life in her entire time at the SGC. It was a surprising amount of stuff. Jack had to sneak away while Carter had her back turned just so he could eat lunch. He was whining to Daniel about the whole situation in front of the dessert display when Carter found him.  
  
She looked mad, like she might have thought of a lot of stuff to say while she was looking for him. "That's it, Carter." He put a hand up before she could start ranting at him. "I'm hungry. I'm done for the day. You'll just have to fix things the old-fashioned way from now on."  
  
"Come on, sir. Just one more thing."  
  
"Enough." He walked over to the coffee machine with Daniel and Carter trailing close behind. Pie and coffee. A power lunch if there ever was one. "You can't just keep using my penis to fix things, Carter. It's-" The commissary had taken on an unusual silence, and yes, everyone _was_ looking at them now. Jack sighed. "Oy." He finished filling his cup and made a show of glaring at everyone in the room.  
  
Carter didn't seem to notice the attention and she just kept talking. "But, sir," she said. "Do you realize the impact this will have on our understanding of alien technology? We might never get an opportunity like this again." She paused to look directly into his eyes and Jack knew he'd be back down in that damn lab of hers as soon as his pie was gone. "It's important," she said.  
  
"You think everything's important."  
  
"That reminds me, Jack," interrupted Daniel. "My cable's been out for a few days. Do you think you could do something about it?"  
  
  
***  
  
Every stray piece of technology in Colorado Springs was humming and blinking in perfect order. Daniel's cable was fixed--thanks to a helpful technician from Comcast, and Jack's penis was back to normal. Life was good. So good, in fact, they'd all been put on leave while the elevators in the mountain underwent a much needed overhaul. Jack considered himself lucky to have squeezed in that last mission to de-magic his penis before they all got kicked out. Perhaps his penis had been keeping the elevators safe without his knowledge. A magic penis with an agenda. Jack shuddered a bit. What a recipe for disaster that would have been.  
  
As a reward for all their patience and understanding during the penis fiasco, Jack invited the whole team to his cabin for a week of fishing, beer and weenie roasting. Daniel begged off, he had plane tickets to Cairo. Something important was being dug up in Egypt, and the higher ups thought he should be there just in case there was anything gate-related hiding in the desert sands. Daniel was giddy, and he was taking Teal'c with him. Teal'c was giddy too, not about being stuck in the desert with Daniel for a week, about not being stuck at Jack's cabin for a week.  
  
Carter agreed to the trip so quickly that Jack began to wonder if perhaps there was a little bit of magic left in his testicles. Or something, because Carter never wanted to go to his cabin. The only other time she'd been there, his magic penis had made her clothes vanish. It wasn't a very good way to start a relationship. With the cabin. With Jack, being naked was a great way to start a relationship, but Carter hadn't been interested in that either. So, yes, it was very suspicious that Carter had agreed to be alone with him on a remote dock in Minnesota. Very suspicious, indeed.  
  
Jack leaned back in his chair, pondering his situation and letting the setting sun warm his face. The crickets were starting to get noisy and the mosquitoes hadn't gotten bad enough to drive them indoors yet. These moments were what he loved about the place. It was a mind-clearing atmosphere, no unnatural noises, no distractions, just the sun, the insects, and the empty pond.  
  
An unfamiliar tug on his wrist made him open his eyes and sit up.  
  
Carter looked out from under her floppy fishing hat. The old man at the bait shop had been convinced she'd look quite fetching in it, and she'd bought it mostly to humor him. He was right though, the wide brimmed hat suited her, accentuating her eyes and the slight curl at the ends of her hair. Olly the bait guy had a good eye for hats. Carter must have thought so too, she hadn't taken it off since removing the price tag. "What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"I thought I had a bite."  
  
She flipped the brim of her hat up. Jack could see her eyes stray to his groin. Before the magic penis, he might have thought she was hitting on him. Now, he thought she was just making sure his crotch wasn't glowing. "Is that a problem?" she said.  
  
"Yes." Jack's bobber went under and his reel started squealing. "Shit," he said. He pulled the rod up and started playing out some line. He hadn't caught a fish in his pond in the past ten years. Whatever he had, it was strong. Possibly, aliens had decided to move in. Or a prehistoric sea-monster. Maybe some local kids had released their goldfish in his pond. People always said some fish would grow to fit their tank size. He could have a six-foot goldfish on his line. How cool would that be?  "I told you my pond was a little challenged in the fish-having department," he reminded Carter.  
  
Carter's eyes narrowed and she turned toward him. "If you used your stupid penis to get me here again, I'm-"  
  
She didn't finish the thought and Jack was glad. Carter had access to a lot of weird shit. "No!" Jack tried to reel his line in and talk at the same time. It was a bad idea, he needed all of his brain power to buffer his thoughts. "Daniel said it was fixed. I wanted you to come for my regular penis, not because of the magic one."  
  
Carter's eyes went wide under her hat. Jack was close enough to see a similar look on his own face reflected back in them. His reel was turning freely now, forgotten in the wake of his big, giant, unfiltered mouth. Before he could apologize, or grovel, or run for cover, Carter put a hand over her mouth and started laughing.  
  
Twenty years ago, he'd have been mortified to have a woman laugh at him while they were discussing his penis. Now, he was older and wise enough to appreciate the simple fact that there was a woman willing to discuss his penis at all.  
  
Jack turned back to his pond, ignoring Carter as much as possible. She kept laughing and laughing and laughing. Whatever had been on his line was long gone and probably wouldn't come back for another ten years.  
  
It was just him and Carter again. Alone.  
  
Jack was pretty sure he was going to need more beer.  
  
  
  
  
  
*****Two months later.*******

  
  
Sam sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the clipboard in Janet's hand and wondering if Janet was trying to be funny. Janet looked amused and just a little bit excited but in no way did she look like she was kidding. Still, it did sound more like a joke than an actual diagnosis. Nausea and fatigue were attributable to any number of things.  
  
 _Weren't they?_  
  
"I'm what?"  
  
"Pregnant," Janet repeated.  
  
That was impossible. She was on all the best birth control. Also, last time she checked, babies still required a father. "But I can't be pregnant," she said, and then added more information than she wanted to. "I haven't had sex with anyone."  
  
Janet looked disappointed. Sam's trip to Colonel O'Neill's cabin was no secret and Janet was probably drawing all the wrong conclusions. Sure, they probably could have had all the sex they wanted while they were alone and far away from the reminders of their military responsibilities but they hadn't. Neither of them was interested in finding out the hard way that they couldn't manage a secret affair while trying to work together every day. There might have been some snuggling on the couch one particularly chilly evening. But nothing that could remotely lead to pregnancy.  
  
Janet took Sam's hand, speaking as her friend, not her doctor. "Are you sure?"  
  
Sam got the message. Janet assumed that Sam had gotten pregnant the old-fashioned way and was just scared to admit it because they both knew that the only person she was interested in having sex with was still off limits. "Of course I'm sure."  
  
"Well, okay." Janet frowned, unsettled by by the fact that her test results didn't match Sam's story. "I guess it could be something gate-related that we've never seen before." Now Sam was beginning to doubt herself because that just sounded stupid. Janet gave her a slightly forced smile. "We'll schedule an ultrasound and see what that shows."  
  
  
******  
  
  
Sam loved her lab. It was cool and quiet, a great place to sit and think. Right now she was trying to think of reasons for Janet to be wrong. Aside from the obvious reasons, of course. Not that those weren't good enough.  
  
She sometimes missed periods, especially when they were running such a busy schedule. They hadn't had much down time in the past two months. That would account for the fatigue as well.  
  
The nausea was easy to explain away too. Lots of time at the mountain meant lots of meals in the mess hall. She was pretty sure 'nausea-inducing food' was somewhere in the cafeteria's mission statement. The fact that she'd been eating the food without incident for years was quietly pushed aside.  
  
The only thing she couldn't explain were the actual test results. And they weren't just pee on a stick tests. Janet took blood.  
  
 _Pregnant._  
  
She let the word and all the baggage it came with roll around in her head for a moment. She hadn't been lying to Janet, there was no logical explanation for those test results.  
  
Colonel O'Neill sauntered into her lab, like everything was completely normal. It was hard not to smack him.  
  
"Hey, Carter," he said leaning over her workbench. "Daniel and I are headed out to lunch."  
  
He didn't actually invite her because that was just the way things were between them. It was an implied invitation, but her stomach wasn't in the mood for lunch. Sam was quiet for too long and he started to look uncomfortable. "Are you okay?"  
  
No, she wasn't. "Janet thinks I'm pregnant."  
  
There was a loud floppish sound of books hitting the floor. She looked over Colonel O'Neill's shoulder. Daniel was standing in the doorway, empty-handed and shocked.  
  
"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. He picked up his books and walked into the room. "Congratulations?" He said, looking at Colonel O'Neill who hadn't moved since she'd spoken.  
  
"What? No. Not me." Colonel O'Neill turned back to Sam, confused, and whispered. "It wasn't me, right? I would have remembered that."  
  
Sam was horrified to find herself suddenly wanting to laugh. Aside from the look on Colonel O'Neill's face, there was really nothing funny about this. "No," she told him. "I don't know how it happened." She gave him what she hoped was a look that conveyed how much she _really_ didn't understand why she would be pregnant. "Janet wants me to come in for an ultrasound to make sure I'm not incubating some sort of alien life form."  
  
Looking back, the alien life form might have been preferable.  
  
******  
  
There wasn't really room for all of them, but Jack and Daniel crowded around her bed just the same. Janet eyed them but didn't kick them out. Teal'c and General Hammond were watching from the observation deck. Sam felt like a circus attraction.  
  
The gel was cold and wet and Sam flinched when Janet started pressing on her stomach with the probe. Everybody was watching the small screen, trying to see something in the grainy, fast-moving images. When the image finally stabilized, Janet pushed a button, giving them a nice screen shot of the inside of Sam's uterus. Sam sighed, relieved. She didn't see anything that looked like a baby.  
  
Apparently, Janet did.  
  
"Well, it looks like a normal human embryo," she announced. She looked at Colonel O'Neill. Suspiciously, Sam thought. "About eight weeks old, as far as I can tell."  
  
Sam stared at the screen some more, trying to make sense of the picture. Later, she'd have Janet point out all the important parts.  
  
Daniel, always looking for answers, was the first to speak. "How did this happen?" He asked.  
  
Janet, still not quite believing Sam's no-sex story, picked that moment to make a joke that turned out to be not so funny. "I guess it was magic."  
  
"Right," Daniel agreed, amused for a moment while his brain put the pieces together. "Mag-," his eyebrows shot up and he spun around to face Jack. "-ic."  
  
Jack stopped spinning the stethoscope he'd picked up and had the good sense to look panicked. "Shit," he muttered.  
  
"Wait a minute," Janet said, bringing their attention back to Sam. Janet was still sliding the probe around Sam's abdomen, unaware of the implications of her offhand comment. She adjusted some dials and moved the probe lower. "I think there are two," she said.  
  
The clang of metal instruments hitting the floor echoed in the suddenly silent room. They all looked to the empty spot where Jack had been standing a moment ago.  
  
Janet called to one of her nurses. "Make sure he's okay."  
  
  
*******  
  
  
Jack sat in a chair in Daniel's lab enduring his second round of questioning for the day. He'd been in Hammond's office for an hour trying his best to come up with answers that would free him from all the unspoken suspicion being directed his way. Hammond had done a bit of tap-dancing around asking the most obvious questions, but it had still been pretty damn uncomfortable. In the end, Hammond had just sighed and sent him away.  
  
Daniel was a lot more direct in his approach.  
  
"But we didn't do anything, Daniel," Jack told him for the third time.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Seriously?" Why were so many people willing to believe that he and Carter would have such uneventful sex that neither of them would remember it? Because they totally would remember. He was sure of it.  
  
"Okay." Daniel continued pacing around the room, thinking for the both of them because Jack's brain was done. "Were you both naked at any point?"  
  
"No," Jack said, sadly. "We were fully clothed the whole time."  
  
"In different rooms?"  
  
"Yes," Jack hesitated. "Except for the time we fell asleep on the couch." Daniel looked victorious. Jack put his hand up, stalling Daniel's I-told-you-so moment. "With clothes on, Daniel. Clothes. On."  
  
Daniel was unconvinced that the clothing part was important. "But you were close enough for-"  
  
"For what?" Jack interrupted. He didn't like where this conversation was going and was more than a little disturbed by how giddy Daniel seemed about the whole prospect. "You think they just crawled out and invaded Carter's uterus?"  
  
"Well." The look on Daniel's face said that was exactly what he thought. Jack didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "They _were_ sparkly," he said as though that were all the justification he needed. "We don't know how long the effects of the Ancient device took to wear off."  
  
And that much was true. Sure, they'd mostly been concerned with his penis but obviously the effects reached a little further south. "Oy." Jack rubbed his hands over his face. "Carter is so going to kill me."


End file.
